Refrigerator Rights

I have really resonated with the concept of ‘Refrigerator Rights’ that author and comedian Will Miller has proposed.  The idea is this, “How many people in your life are comfortable opening your refrigerator to get a drink or something to eat without asking your permission first?”  Miller suggests, and I agree, that the key to mental and emotional health is the presence of these types of relationships in your life.  I like to take this idea one step further, “How many people in your life are comfortable opening up the door to your heart without asking your permission first?”  Or how about this, “Does God have access to your heart?”

The idea of refrigerator rights speaks to a relational way of life that is rapidly disintegrating in American culture and causing us to get more and more disconnected and fragmented from the people around us.  In fact, such is this way of life that most people, including Christ followers, do not even realize how disconnected we are from each other.  Our culture is constantly on the go.  Yes, most of us are surrounded by people every day, but very few in America have ‘refrigerator rights’ relationships.  I heard it said that the church does not need to figure out how to do small groups rather the church needs to learn how to do relationships!

The American drive for personal success, the drive to focus on my needs, my dreams etc. has left us in a state where there is little value for relating.  This pursuit of self is having a devastating impact on our mental and emotional well being.

In the book, Refrigerator Rights, Will Miller described our desensitization to relating this way:

” If something is nearly constant or routine, we tend not to notice it.  Breathing is so automatic that you don’t tend to consciously think about the mechanics of your body as you take a breath.  In today’s environment, our isolation from other people has become so routine that many of us don’t even realize that this is our state of affairs.”

So what do we do?  We, the church, must help people understand that our way of life is polluted and begin to model a ‘refrigerator rights’ way of life……the relational way of life that God has called us to.

Viewing Grouplife as ‘church’ – PART 2

When Paul wrote about ‘ecclesia’ (the church) meeting in homes all across the landscape, he was not thinking strategically about how these small groups were a strategy to grow the church or reach the lost.  Small groups were not a focus of the early church.  They were the church! There were no church buildings nor was the church recognized with any official status.  The church was a movement of small groups meeting in individual’s homes.  Somehow today, small groups are viewed as a program or just one of the ways to help the church assimilate people and disciple people.  In very few cases are small groups actually viewed as the church or as ‘ecclesia’.

I think it is fascinating to think that the small group was the paradigm or perspective of how the church was to function or how early Christians thought about church.  It’s also interesting to consider that the Scriptures do not outline for us just what a church gathering should look like or how church gatherings were to be structured.  You just don’t find this.

But what you do find is a lot of writing about how Christians are to relate to each other.  Love God, love one another, serve one another, encourage one another, care for one another……..and it can only be within the context of community that we do this.

Group life is ‘ecclesia’!

Viewing Grouplife as ‘church’

In many ways, modern culture has redefined ‘church’ with an emphasis on the organization, the building, and large group worship.  We forget that when Paul wrote about ‘ecclesia’ (church), he was talking about small groups of people gathering in homes all over the landscape.  His image of ‘ecclesia’ was very different from our own.  ‘Ecclesia’ simply meant an assembly or gathering and could refer to both small and large gatherings of people.  Today, most churches operate in such a way that the most important place of connection is the weekly service, and as a result, small groups are viewed more like ’sub-units’ of the ‘real’ church.

Even though most churches would agree with Paul’s early visions for the church, the way we do church now has devalued the small group experience considerably.  As a result, people see small group gatherings as less important as the Sunday worship service and because of this, see group life as optional.

Are we willing to embrace small groups as ‘church’ just like we embrace the Sunday service as ‘church’?  This is a question every church must wrestle with.  Paul’s vision for ‘ecclesia’ was for both large and small gatherings to occur and that both were equally important.  What do you think?

*Thanks to Scott Boren, author of ‘The Relational Way’, for the thoughts that created this post.*

Centering on JESUS

Small group leaders are constantly asking “How?”  How do I lead my group better?  How can I make my group more attractive?  How do I disciple people more effectively?  How do I grow my group?

Perhaps we should worry less about ‘How’ and simply center group life on Jesus.  Let me quote Scott Boren from his book, ‘The Relational Way’:

“Too many times, groups have more than one person present, but only one person meeting in the name of Jesus: the group leader.  Everyone else is meeting in names such as, “frustration with my spouse,” “fear my child will mess up my life,” “exhaustion from a full day at work,” or other preoccupations.  While these feelings are valid and should never be ignored for the sake of a meeting, it often requires ninety minutes for the group leader to get one or two group members meeting in the name of Jesus; by that time everyone is ready to go home…..every group should be built around a core of two or three who are committed to meeting in the name of Jesus.  Two or three can point to the center which is Jesus.”

“For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”  Matthew 18:20

Leaders, never move group life away from the center…..Jesus.  He is the way, the truth, and the life.  To center our groups on ourselves is to deny the One who loves us so much His rightful place in our groups.

There’s an old saying that says “If you’ve got good food, you don’t need to advertise.”  Scott Bolen goes on to say in his book that “Groups that offer good spiritual food do not have to twist arms for participation.”

The words of Christ are so satisfying……may we always long to center ourselves on Christ and actually do what He calls us to do.

Group Life & Semesters

Here at Oakbrook, we are entering our final week of a 6 week campaign called One Month to Live.  The campaign concludes Oct. 25th.  With 2 months left before Christmas, our groups are left with the question of ‘Now what?’  We have offered our groups some next steps as they ponder this question…..click here if you are interested….but as a small groups director, this dilemma has forced me to think about defining a system for us with clearly marked on ramps and off ramps into group life.  We have operated with a semester system since we launched a groups ministry in 2003 but it has never been clearly defined and mapped out.  The result has been a less than optimal group assimilation system. 

A semester system just makes the most sense.  It is the learning style that our culture uses so why do we church leaders try to go against a learning format that our culture identifies with and relates to?  When it comes to growth and learning, we all need ‘rest’ stops along the way….times to stop and absorb….times to actually apply and put into action what we are learning….times to just chill out.  To not take a break is not healthy…..burnout sets in….we get stale….we get frustrated…..in the end, what we learn is probably not what we set out to learn.

So with the help of different blogs and books that I read, we will be initiating a more clearly defined semester based groups system in 2009.  I think there will be a number of wins.  There will be clearly defined entry and exit points(this is huge, especially for those that have never been in a group to try a group); group life will be sustainable with the input of break periods;  it will allow for the flow of people into and out of different groups; learning will be maximized and group studies will average from 4-8 sessions; it will facilitate more people to sign up because semesters are easier for people to commit to than signing up for an unending small group; semesters will give leaders a needed break resulting in decreased leader burnout; semesters will spark group health and vitality and decrease group stagnation.

My experience has been that groups work best when they: are built upon short-term commitments, allow for rest periods,  are led by fully charged leaders, change topics every 4-6 sessions, and verbalize easy in and easy out ground rules just to name a few………a semester based approach allows for this to happen.  Let the Community Channel know what you think.

Kickstarting the Fall & Summer Reading

The Community Channel is back.  The end of summer usually means the start of the craziest season of each ministry year as churches try to rally people back into the church.  One of the primary mechanisms to do this is do create excitement around a particular weekend series and create an easy entry point for people to get involved in community and in service.  Here at Oakbrook, we have been doing just that.  On Sunday, we, along with hundreds of other churches, launched into the One Month to Live Campaign…..so far so good (except for getting our books here on time….we are still waiting for hundreds of books).  The great thing about a campaign is that it creates a very tangible entry point and exit point for those not in a small group….6 weeks…people can do that.  Our experience shows us that about 75% of those that try a group will usually remain in a group so we really feel that creating attractive topics for people to consider with easy entry and exit points is worth our effort.  I also love the excitement that new people bring to existing groups….groups just seem to be re-energized when they begin a run especially when it involves some additions to their group.

Looking back to summer, I just wanted to share some of my favorite reads with you.  Let the Community Channel know if you read some ‘must reads’ as well.  Here are my top 3 summer reads.  I can’t encourage you enough to check them out:

1. Sex God – Rob Bell (fantastic book connecting our sexuality and spirituality)                                              

2. Wide Awake – Erwin McManus  (a challenge to live full on for Christ…to not die with any unused potential)

3. The Heavenly Man – Brother Yun (one of the most amazing stories I have ever read….this guy is a modern day apostle Paul)

Strategic Shifts for Small Groups

Just finished a great read for those of you interested in small group ministry.  The book was called ‘Activate: An Entirely New Approach to Small Groups’ by Nelson Searcy.  Here is a link to my notes on the book’s Big Ideas…..in many ways this book was putting into words many of my thoughts and experiences that have come across my path over the past years while leading a small group ministry.  I found myself affirming so many ideas contained in this book so a big way to go to the book’s author, Nelson Searcy.

I encourage you to read the book or at least scan my book review but here are a few of the ‘Big Ideas’ that we will be seriously thinking about at Oakbrook over the next few months:

Big Idea #2 – Think Larger … Not Smaller

 

-Groups with 7 or fewer members are difficult to lead and more likely to fail….groups of 12-15 are more effective at fostering both healthy relationships and spiritual growth.

 

-Most people feel more comfortable in a larger group; more likely to sign up for larger group; stay plugged into larger groups longer; form deeper connections and grow spiritually in larger groups.

 

-Allow 15-20 people to sign up for each group…..not everyone shows up each and every week so having this many people on your roster will result in an average group attendance of 12-15.

 

-Fewer people means more work for leader…more of a teacher than facilitator.

 

-Larger groups minimize the ‘weirdo’ factor

 

-Consider groups with less than 8 people to be in the danger zone.

 

 

Big Idea #3 – Think Friends ….. Not Intimacy

 

-Small groups are a place where new friendships are formed.

 

-Stop promising that groups will be places where people will find deep, meaningful, intimate relationships.

 

-Small groups are more social spaces of belonging…..not personal or intimate spaces (Myers – 4 spaces of belonging).  Social spaces are still very important and necessary in everyone’s life…our culture lacks social space…the church lacks social space….it is within social space where people find a few relationships that become ‘personal’ and even ‘intimate’.  The lack of social space leads people to look to unsafe places to find personal and intimate relationships.

 

-We have undersold the value and importance of basic friendships and social relationships to overall spiritual health and we have oversold the importance of personal and intimate relationships and have tried to force our small group members into such relationships.

 

-People do not get personal or intimate in groups of 8-15 people….we socialize in groups of 8-15 people.  Social relationships form best in groups.

 

-In a group larger than five, it is impossible for every person to become intimate or even personal, even if you try to force the group to stay together for years.

 

-Groups help us form personal and intimate relationships by providing a safe space within the group where we make friends who could then become more intimate friends outside of the group.

 

-Groups should be a safe, comfortable, stress-free place where individuals have the opportunity to meet new people, make new friends, learn something new and grow spiritually within a social context.

 

-Tips:

            -Have specific beginning and end dates for groups

-Let your group leaders know what a group ‘win’ is….not supposed to make everyone best friends….if the Bible is being applied to the lives of the group and people are praying together then the group is winning.

            -promote groups as social space

 

Big Idea #4 – Think Short-Term …. Not Long-Term

 

-The ideal length for a small group is 10-12 weeks!

 

-When you realize the goal of the group is not to catalyze intimate relationships, you find the freedom to structure them more effectively.

 

-Follow our culture’s learning style….we are defined by our education….we grow most effectively in a semester based system.

 

-Putting time boundaries on groups will facilitate more sign-ups…..committing to something that has no end in sight is intimidating, unnatural, and unrealistic….most men won’t do this.

 

-focus your efforts on how to get a man to sign-up…..if you get the man you will more than likely get the woman.

 

-People grow best over short periods of time (stress)….then they need to rest (release)…after the period of rest they can grow again (stress) and the growth cycle continues.  Use semester based systems of learning!

 

-Other advantages to semester based system: allows for frequent entry points, more group options, matches academic calendar year, clear end dates, easier for people to commit.

 

-Long term groups lead to leader burnout and group stagnation.  People don’t grow if they are not stepping out of their comfort zone and exposing themselves to new people and new ideas.

 

-Groups can stay together from semester to semester as long as they open themselves up at the end of each semester and allow for exit and entry.  People are more willing to try other groups in a semester format because they can always return to the previous group.  Having an exit allows people to try other groups with interesting topics and then return later.

Good stuff!  We will be unpacking this more with our leaders in the days ahead.  Check out the link for the other 9 Big Ideas….buy the book so you can process this information for yourself and your specific ministry.  So do you have any thoughts about these ‘Big Ideas’?

Organic Community – Growth

It seems as though every church is constantly looking for the ‘perfect’ way to foster spiritual growth in people.  The ongoing REVEAL study by Willow Creek Community Church is a great example of this (and by the way, thanks to the REVEAL team for all their great research!).  Even at my church, we are currently bending our little minds and seeking out God’s wisdom in an attempt to come up with a strategic plan that will deepen the spiritual maturity of our attenders.  In the process I am definitely learning that discipleship has many angles. Oh yeah, and I’m also being reminded that spiritual growth is SLOW!  There is no 18-month track to full devotion…for some, this may be true, but for the majority of us, the discipleship process is unique as each person is unique.

So how do we help people grow?  Do we put all our eggs in one basket and hope it works or do we take each egg individually and create multiple ways to connect and grow?  Throwing all the eggs in one basket might work in the short-term, but wisdom tells us that there is not much sustainability with this approach.  If we agree that every individual is unique, then why would we expect one method of spiritual growth to result in sustainable growth for every person.  It just won’t work. 

I am reminded again of the 4 spaces of belonging that Joe Myers writes about in his book ‘The Search to Belong’: Public, Social, Personal, Intimate.  Nelson Searcy, in his book ‘Activate: An Entirely New Approach to Small Groups’, makes some key statements about the 4 spaces of belonging:

1. We grow spiritually and connect with others in all 4 spaces.

2. We need relationships in all 4 spaces.

3. No one space is more important than the others.

4. The spaces are interrelated and connected together.

5. We have a deficit of social space….which leads to deficits in personal and intimate space.

I am just diving into Searcy’s book, but from what I have read I highly recommend it.

So how are we doing at encouraging relational connectedness and spiritual growth in all 4 spaces?  I think Searcy is dead on with his conclusion that we have a deficit of social space in today’s church which is a critical miss!  If you are invested into small group ministry at any level, I invite you to think about what space small groups fit into.  In many ways (and I think a lot of people would agree), the church has sold small groups as a place where personal and intimate relationships will take place.  I, along with many others, would agree that this is flawed strategy.  Certainly, both personal and intimate relationships often organically emerge out of a small group but small groups at their core are social spaces.  Because of our inability to vision cast group life as social space, we have failed to assimilate countless numbers of people who were too intimidated to leap from public space to this so called personal and intimate space known as a small group.  Yes, on rare occasions, there are those groups that seem to have gone to the next level relationally, but I think the following summary by Nelson Searcy is a more accurate picture of what is really going on when this happens:

“Groups help us form personal and intimate relationships by providing a safe space within the group where we make friends who could then become more intimate friends outside the group.”

In the end, we grow in many different ways and connect in many different spaces but each way is built on relationship.  Each space is important but no space is greater than another.  Growth is slow and cyclical.  At times, one space may be more healthy for us than another space (example – a small group).  At another time, we grow more in another space (example – an accountability partner).

As a leader, pray about what space God is leading you into to help you grow closer to Him.  Then, pray about what space God can use you best to draw others closer to Him.

Fascinating stuff to think about…..your comments are welcomed.

Organic Community – Measurement

“We have 175 small groups in our church.”  “45% of our congregation is in a small group.”  “The small group I lead meets every other week and we have an 80% attendance rate.”  “We had 300 people show up at the church picnic.”  In our feeble attempts to measure community, I am pretty confident that we have given answers and heard answers similar to those just stated.  I have heard of small group pastors that were fired because their effectiveness was matched to these types of bottom line measurements.

This leads us to an important question: How do we measure success in community?  Can you take a bottom line approach?  Is a numerical measurement of how many people are connected a valid way to assess the health of what is really happening?

Joe Myers, in his book ‘Organic Community’, believes that the answer to this question is found by asking ourselves what we are hoping for.  I agree.  If we simply want everyone in a group, then a bottom line approach may work.  But if we want to create spaces where people find authentic connection and learn to become disciples of Christ, a bottom line measurement will not help us out.

Authentic connection and spiritual growth cannot be measured by the presence or lack of presence in any one space.  For example, the fact that you or I are in a small group does not mean that we are experiencing authentic connection or spiritual growth.  Or if you or I go to a weekend retreat, does that qualify us for now being connected into the life of our church?  Of course not.

So how can we measure community?  Here is what I have found to be true, feel free to disagree.  In order to measure community we must first identify what it is we are hoping to achieve through our connecting efforts.  Once that is accomplished, we then measure our efforts through story.  Here is what I mean.  At Oakbrook Church (my home), we want small groups to pursue 3 things: Intimacy with Christ, Community with Insiders, & Influence with Outsiders.  Every small group leader is coached to go after these 3 ideals with their group.  With these 3 purposes of group life now known, we can measure our effectiveness through the use of story.  In other words, we ask group members if these 3 values are being pursued.  The stories we hear allow us to measure the effectiveness of our communities.  Make sense?

Here is a great example of the power of story as a measurement tool for life.  Our church was challenged to grow in generosity towards others and as we did that we were encouraged to share our experiences on our church blog.  Look up ‘Salt Packet’ stories and read through all the comments.  Story is powerful and life changing.

Bottom line measurements offer some value but in the context of community what we are measuring is life and we simply cannot measure life with statistics.  We measure life through story.

“Shared stories may not fit neat and tidy into a chart or on the back of a Sunday bulletin, but we grow to trust them as a powerful way to measure whether what we are hoping for is taking place.  Shared stories are the easiest way to ensure what is important is taken into account.  Story helps us measure the life of our communities.”  (Joe Myers – Organic Community p.80)

Question:  What are the most effective measuring tools you have used to measure community?  The Community Channel wants to know!

Organic Community – Participation

“Many church leaders have spent too much time on the art of getting people to participate and too little time trying to understand how people participate.”  Joe Myers

I think there is a lot of truth to the above statement.  We (leaders) get caught up in the excitement of creating strategies for participation.  We mastermind some wonderful connection plan and concern ourselves with the accomplishment of a plan that will help complete a task and as a result, we turn people into widgets, objects, commodoties etc.   In this process, we forget that people seek first to belong before joining something to help meet a goal. 

The book ‘Organic Community’ by Joe Myers points out some key characteristics of participation.  One characteristic is that people participate as individuals.  As they do, they will feel free to act for the good of the group as a whole.  As leaders, we must grapple with this.  Are we inviting people as individuals or as ‘tokens’ to achieve our gameplan?  People want to know that we have chosen them because of who they are not to fulfill some master plan.

This is why small groups grow best from within….from a personal invitation.  People respond to invitations that include names and faces not to some objective, generic group.  When we are specific in our ‘asks’ and invite people to particpate because of who they are, people respond.

A second characteristic of participation is that people want to participate with some autonomy, or in other words, they want to contribute specifically in the way they uniquely can.  As leaders, do we free people up to use their gifts or are we master controllers?  Question: Do we limit people’s involvement to what we see or confine them to using methods we deem relevant?  If so, Myers suggests that if and when we do, we are implying that we don’t trust them and we are also closing ourselves off to a wealth of possibilities.  This concept may feel ‘out of control’ but Myers implies that people are not interested in hearing us tell them how they must participate or having us tell them that what they offer is invalid because their gifts are not on ‘our list’.  I think this is a very important aspect of community for us, especially church leaders, to seriously think about and consider.  We can never forget that by participating, people are looking for a place to connect and contribute with others but not at the expense of losing their individuality.

A final thought is to remember that people want their participation to fit into the whole of their lives.  When people choose to participate it will forever be a part of their story so individuals carefully filter how and what they decide to participate in.  This is where the ‘ask’ becomes so important.  Are our invitations inviting people to participate as an individual and giving them a vision for how their participation will serve the group as a whole?  If not, they will probably choose something else.

Great thoughts as we lead people!  Remember that these are just ways that people tend to participate.  This is not a prescription for participation.  Using these concepts will just help leaders create environments where participation will naturally result.

So how do you invite people into community?  Share your wisdom with The Community Channel.